Life, Death, Knitting, And Star Wars

My dad died on the 14th after a lengthy battle with cancer.

I thought my life would not be that cruel to have both my parents taken away from me by the same disease, but here I am parentless at the age of 31 because of colon cancer.

Us many many years ago

I’m taking his passing a little different than I did my moms.  I watched cancer slowly take my mother away and by the time she died I was so tired of seeing dying that that her death was a release.  I was 17 so my mom was very much a mystery.  I thought this was because we still had that parent/child type of relationship.  She was not my friend, plan and simple.  She didn’t care what I thought or what I wanted to do,  you do as your told and nothing more was the motto of our house.  We didn’t laugh together or cry together.  I lived with her and she took care of me until she couldn’t take care of herself.  Don’t get me wrong I love my mother, BUT as an adult I don’t feel my loss with her.

My dad on the other hand was my bestest good friend in the whole wide world.   The man I could say anything and everything to.  Who believed in me no matter what and was my biggest and loudest cheerleader when I didn’t deserve it at all.  DJ comes pretty close to all that, but he still has options if I get too crazy lol.  My dad rolled with me, crazy and all.  My distance allowed me to be delusional that everything was going to be alright.  His voice was so strong, I didn’t know how much weight he had lost or  how much pain he was in.   I thought he would tell me everything he thought I needed to know about him and life before he would leave me, but he didn’t.  He hardly talked to me at all the past few weeks.  Didn’t even let me wish him a happy birthday.  His wife made him call me the next day.  She told me that he knew I would catch on that he wasn’t doing well if he talked to me for long and he didn’t want me worry.

So he left just as much a mystery as she did.  We had this conversation about a year ago where it came out that I have never seen Star Wars…none of them.  He told me “Well that’s why you don’t know nothing!”

So on a plane I went to Maryland to say my good byes.  I wore the polka dot dress to the funeral.  Yes I have many black dresses, but that is just not what I wanted to.  I left the girls behind not wanting them to start their school year on a sad note.  Out of sight out of mind works very well for them.  While I was away for that week I took knitting with me and watched home shopping network with my aunt that’s 73.  You know home shopping network has some cute clothes.  Am I getting old?  I always assumed the stuff on there was for old folks.  Maybe that was just who I associated having the time to watch it.  Anyway don’t worry I didn’t buy anything so I can keep my youth card a little longer.

I’m fine folks really, just a little awkward and forgetful for now.  I’ve made the stupidest mistake on my Agatha sweater that held up my progress for the longest time.  I’ve been in love with Agatha since I saw LLadybird’s and I hated to think maybe I wasn’t good enough to actually make one.

I’m on track now but I may need to consult some of my fellow sewer/knitters if I run into anymore problems.   I’ve been back home for 3 days now but have not touched my sewing machine.  Maybe that jacket could go to the mini wardrobe contest for September since I haven’t even cut the fashion fabric out yet.  Who knows maybe tomorrow the mojo will come back.  Right now knitting is comforting, repetitive and just hard enough that every row seems like a mini triumph.

I walked by Abercombie and they had this lovely blue sweater on display.  I said to myself, “I can knit that”.  Oh lawdy it has started.

 

Of course it has gotten the “lay of approval”.

Life goes on.

School starts Monday.

There’s hair to do and clothes to iron.

Messes to clean.

Skype calls from DJ.

Blogs to catch up on.

Star Wars to watch…

 

♥ ♥ ♥

 

26 Comments

Filed under Life

26 Responses to Life, Death, Knitting, And Star Wars

  1. Miriana

    I’m very sorry for your loss. That’s a lovely photo of the two of you – you look so similar and he has a very kind face.

  2. So sorry to hear about your loss Shawnta, you and your family will continue to be in my prayers..

  3. My prayers are with you for more and more strength! Missed you while you were gone too.

  4. Mo

    I am very sorry about your loss. I am praying for your continued strength.

  5. Adding my thoughts, prayers and condolences.

  6. So sorry to hear this, Shawnta. I hope that your good memories of your father stay strong in you as the pain of your loss fades. I’m thinking of you, and hope the knitting helps you through the rough spot.

  7. Loren

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your dear father. Keep thinking about the good memories. Take the time each day for that moment of reflection and realize that your dear father is no longer in pain and is blessing you and your family.

  8. Hi Shawnta so sorry to hear your sad news. I lost my own dad just over a year ago so understand just how you are feeling. You must have many wonderful memories of him and these will make you strong and keep you going.

  9. Shakira

    I offer my condolences and will keep you in my prayers.

  10. Lynn

    My condolences and prayers to you and your family. I lost my father to colon cancer almost 14 years ago. Although the loss gets better with time, it never goes away. Know that he is always with you – even though you can’t hear or see him, he’s there. Trust!

    Get screened NOW okay?? With your parental history, you don’t need to wait until you’re 40 or 50. I had my first screening at 30 and get screened every 5 years because of my family history. The disease is highly preventable with proper screenings. With the ACA now in place, preventive measures like this should be covered by your insurer. Promise me that you’ll take the next steps.

    • Thank you! When I saw my primary care physician last year she said that they would start screening at 35, but I see a new one in October and we shall see what she recommends. If she doesn’t seem proactive then I will speak up. Honestly my father’s Colon cancer could have been caught earlier but he had no family history of it and his doctors brushed it off and something else. When he finally requested further tests and it was already in stage 4 and had metastasized to his liver.

      • Lynn

        Regarding your dad, I could have written the EXACT same story. My father showed other changes in his body and by the time he was diagnosed, it was stage 4 and had metastasized to his liver. He passed away 18 months after being diagnosed. Definitely be proactive. I have a substantial cancer history in my family and my doctor didn’t want to take any chances. Don’t let physicians make you think you’re overreacting or paranoid. You know your body and you know your family.

  11. Hi Shawnta, so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My father passed a few years ago, and even though we were not close, it’s not always wasy to deal with.
    Blessings , peace, and comfort to you during this time.

  12. I am sorry about your loss! I hope you and your family are doing well! Well as well as you can! I cannot knit but ur progress looks great! :)
    It is nice that you found comfort in something like knitting for now.
    It will get better. All the best! :)

  13. Amy

    I am so sorry to hear your sad news. All my love and strength are headed your way.

  14. Hey Lady, I know I’m late but I wanted to offer my heartfelt condolences. I know a thing like this has to be conquered day by day. Not that I know exactly what you’re going through but I lost my Dad not too long ago. He was like yours—-such a character and the best daddy, one to have so much fun with. Your Dad sounds like he was a PHENOMENAL person!!!! Please know you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. Glad you’ve found comfort in your knitting. Take care *hugs*

  15. I’m reading this very late but I had to comment on the beauty and strength of your words! I hope you’re in a good place now with the passing of your dad and I am sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain having both of my parents still here but what I can take away from your writing is to cherish the relationships/ friendships so thank you for that.
    Take care
    Ernestine

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